I made the decision to research what was going through my mind midway through my project. I wanted to be free in the first part without too much understanding of why I wanted to present my work in the way I did, why I used certain colours and what style of art drew me in. I made work that I felt a connection to, and then decided to discover why that was.
I began reading 'Adult Art Psychotherapy: Issues and Applications', a book written by a combination of authors/therapists with experience with using art as therapy for their own area of knowledge. As most of the book wasn't relevant to me upon a quick scan, I sunk into the first chapter that informed about art therapy and anxieties, written by Miriam Ellingson.
I think this blog post will not only help my understanding of anxiety as a whole but my understanding of myself. Writing everything out, from quotes, to science, to notes and thoughts as I think them may help me build a bigger picture. It may not even help my work, but it remains relevant because the project is about raw emotion and this is a completely unfiltered diary of where I am at, as of 14th March 2019.
I haven't been formally diagnosed with anxiety yet, while doctors have suggested I go back to see them to discuss it and put me on something to help it, I haven't been back. Quite honestly, i'm not sure why. It's not like I don't think it will work, I believe strongly in science and medicine. It's not that i'm ashamed because i'm open about it more than ever before. I feel that a part of it is because it's become a part of me. It's weird to think that something that makes me so uncomfortable also brings me comfort because it helps gives me an identity I otherwise would be nothing without. If somebody were to ask me to describe myself the first thing i'd day is 'a nervous wreck, a mess, a wuss'. If that was taken away, what would I be then? Just another student, and beyond that I genuinely cannot think of another word to describe myself. Perhaps i'd just move from describing myself as 'anxious' to 'depressed'.
Nevertheless, I wanted more understanding of this and how it affects my work. In the first chapter of the book, named 'A Philosophy for Clinical Art Therapy' we begin to delve into some sort of understanding.
This blog post will be a mixture of quotes (written in green) alongside my notes, my thoughts as I write about them, the things I have learned and the significance the comment may have to me or my work, in order to keep things simple and precise.
Ellingson begins with the rather cheerful note that "the secret cause of all suffering.. is mortality itself" This is exactly what I didn't want to read because it more or less confirms i'm going to be miserable forever.
- Ontological insecurity = "suffering where the individual lacks a sense of self, of the permanency of things or the substantiality of others and natural process" (page 4)
I would classify myself under this. I often feel as if there's no point and if things are important now, really in the big picture it's nothing. Realistically, why does it matter if I fail my degree? It doesn't. Yet at the very same time I'm terrified of failing. But I often imagine the world in my mind, zoom out to see it floating in space and think - i'm not even there. You can't see me or anything i've done. We're all just forced to follow the rules of society in our given country and be done with it. We can make the world temporarily better but it will just get worse anyway.
I understand I sound really really negative, but genuinely, what is the point? If we make others' lives better then they'll just die and forget it anyway. Yet at the same time I always make an effort to smile at strangers in case they're having a bad day, thank the cashiers in shops, buy surprise presents for those I love. My head feels incredibly torn.
- "people see more sharply and more accurately when emotions are engaged" (page 5)
This makes sense in using art to cure a mental disorder, because it can help somebody understand where your head is at. But does this mean without anxiety any future projects would be less powerful? Surely to see sharply and accurately is a good thing to have because you have a clear mindset and view of how you want future work, giving you something to aim towards. But then when I feel these strong emotions I feel anything but sharp and accurate. I feel confused, a bit here there and everywhere and I have no idea where i'm heading. It's like a journey to nowhere, going in circles until something pulls me back out of the loop. With Ellingson's description I'd imagine i'd feel like I had a certain path to walk down, but I don't. Instead i'm blindfolded, and forced to be extra weary for any dangers that may be hiding out of sight.
- "artwork in a supportive environment can evoke whole body thinking, it can activate consciousness between polarities of individual and world, subject and object, mind and body" (page 6)
While initially hard to understand, this, I think, is exactly what I am aiming for in my current work. A free and relaxed environment, with just one other person to assist me that I love and trust, and just let my mind and my thoughts move my body as to whatever it wants. But perhaps then there are some problems. I place myself in the woods, and I'm scared of the woods, the unknown perhaps, and always the dark and who could linger in the shadows. But then the meaning and connotations behind the woods are significant to the imagery. Maybe when I get in the dress and become an unknown character, a new version of myself, those fears begin to dissipate to a level that I can allow these polarities to connect. I find myself most on edge the darker it gets within the shoots, and my most successful images have been when it's not so dark. Perhaps this is the key to finding a balance. Other than this, I feel that my university environment is entirely supportive of this project. I have the guidance and help I need and to simply be told to 'go mad' and be trusted with that is rather freeing in itself.
- "The art process is a struggle with objective reality, the participation in life, the identification and involvement with thoughts, feelings and actions, and the creation of ourselves as individuals" (page 6)
I don't really think there's much to comment on this but when I read it I felt the understanding of it, rather than just knowing the definitions of the words. This resonated with exactly what I am doing, and perhaps what all of us as artists are doing. We're trying to understand the world through imagery, simply. Ourselves, other people, society, things, science. We're all just continuing our education and sometimes teaching others in an unspoken form. I remember in year 9 we had to write down our life goals, big or small. A major part of mine was 'To stay in education as long as possible', and I think photography allows education to be a huge part of your life throughout. But it is still a struggle and finding a balance of all of these things is maybe my biggest downfall. I feel like i'm overflowing, and perhaps my images being as simple as they are don't reflect this, but my mind isn't as clear as Ellingson says it should be and aspects of this work is flying around everywhere.
-"The art product and verbal associations to it are the reflection, the stepping back, the psychic distancing, and bracketing of experience, as well as the disengagement of the empirical ego of the experience of the transcendental consciousness that runs through us" (page 6)
I read this as a continuation from the previous quote, suggesting there's two parts to creating art; the process and the product. This quote reflects on what is made and how we view it and what it shows, how the product shows facts in the process and how our mental state is even if the artist isn't aware.
The author then talks about the six types of anxiety. Obviously there's more than six things people get anxious about but they can usually fit into one of these six categories.
The first is 'Anxiety of freedom'. This is often represented in art by using just one or two colours, only using a small part of the frame and limiting texture. Those with freedom anxiety will limit themselves and not use their freedom in their art. Looking at my work, perhaps this is part of my own anxiety. I like to stick to certain colours, not over complicate things and have open space, particularly in this work. I tried some more close ups but I don't think they worked as well and the ones with my space feel more comfortable to me.
As you can see, over a few completely different shoots, I still go for having open space and using only a few colours. I believe there's quite a lot of texture in these images, however that is mostly uncontrollable in this environment. As the book mostly talks about drawing or painting, in which you'd have to go into the effort to add texture, this may be irrelevant as my texture was already there for me.
I don't wish to shoehorn myself into a self-diagnosis, however. Looking at past images from previous projects, as seen below, having simple, matching colours is something I am just drawn to visually. This may or may not be related to mental health at all. The mostly monochrome look seems to appear in the majority of my work, even over a broad stretch of subjects. However I have also been anxious for a very long time. I refuse to self diagnose, and so I will take this as a simple possibility.
- "Anxiety is provoked when we realise that we create, choose, mold, and invent ourselves out of nothingness. This realisation of our freedom is a continuous battle with anxiety; but if freedom is too constricted, the creator will die and the constitutor's potential will go unrealised" (page 8)
I wouldn't necessarily use this to describe my own anxiety, because while I am aware that everybody is a nobody and nothing really matters, I think it's more depressing to me than anxiety inducing. I don't worry about it, or panic about it, but I just get sad and hopeless about it. It's interesting to know, though, because it helps me understand how others see the world and how their brain works. Perhaps, however, my fear of the future would slot in here. I often feel anxious about not ever being successful and leading no pleasant life because i'm simply not good enough to become successful in art. This limits me with what I do; for example when we had one to one sessions talking about our work with Steve Macleod, director of Metro imagery, I had a strong sense of anxiety to the point of almost tears because I knew my work wasn't good enough to show him yet and I felt that I was ruining my future by showing him work that wasn't good, as that's how he'd remember me.
- "Choosing is freedom in action" (page 8)
It's true I hate decisions and would always prefer to just go along with plans, but I wouldn't say I get anxiety over choosing.
I do really like this quote, though, because it shows something so simple can exercise our right of freedom that so many people don't have the privileged of. I feel we should be grateful for simply the ability to choose.
Small decisions i'm fine with, but larger ones that could reflect on to me by others (for example, what work to show) is much harder because I, like everybody else, want to present myself in the best light. I don't feel that's unique to those with freedom anxiety however.
Another source of anxiety is individuality.
- "In art therapy, the suppression of individuality can be seen through stereotypes imagery which comes partly from the fear of external disapproval in the use of one's own special images" (page 9)
I feel like I do this a bit; using stereotypical poses and locations. I think they do work within my project and the connotations of all of these things are relevant, but I have been told to 'go mad' and I think that means break from stereotypes and do whatever comes to mind. I have been trying to do this but there's always that feeling that you should be doing this or should be doing that, even when it makes sense not to.
I don't think I fall right into this category however, so I won't dwell on it.
The next source of anxiety is the fear of evil. "the recognition of redeemable evil in the world. The reality of evil in our modern world is an overwhelming fact"
Again, this is something that can cause me anxiety doesn't really take over my life. I refuse to get a job working nights in town because a lot of murder and rape has been happening. Of course it makes me anxious, but I think that's only natural in that situation. However, other than being weary of people and making sure I am safe, the evil in the world again makes me more depressed than anxious.
As with the fear of freedom, this anxiety is interesting to learn about.
- "When clients have no focus, lack intensity, are bored, or are inattentive, they may be experiencing purposelessness and be vulnerable to evil" (page 14)
I often experience purposelessness and I must agree that in these states the weight of the world and the evil within it get to me far more, however I think that's true for most people. I certainly wouldn't consider myself as having anxiety of evilness, as it doesn't give me the anxious feeling.
I can imagine that this type of anxiety is incredibly hard to live with because you'd see the evil in things that are prominently good. I am admittedly pessimistic but the things i'm negative about don't give me anxiety. If this was the case I'd find it incredibly hard to function.
Reading all of this makes me feel a bit closer to everybody in the world. It helps me understand the thoughts and feelings of others, and transfer my experiences to try and put myself in their shoes, and suddenly we're not all as lonely as we fool ourselves to think we are.
Another reason for anxiety is 'Birth'. This touches upon rebirth too, reinventing yourself as a person.
The author uses examples of people will schizophrenia working on themselves to repress their 'negative' traits, and his rebirth from that to somebody new.
None of what the author has said resonates with me and so I won't dwell on this too much.
The next cause is nihilism.
- "Life is useless; there is no truth; and faith in traditional values and morals (including God) is unfounded" (page 14)
This, I believe, is exactly where I sit. This is spot on to how I think most of the time and I genuinely think so much about what it means to be alive that it tires me out. I had no idea there was a specific type of anxiety for this but I seem to fit every single thing that is described.
- "they will not draw, saying "what's the use?" or if they do they laugh and depreciate what they draw" (page 15)
This rings very true with me as well. I've been told to 'just force yourself' to do work when I'm in one of these moods, and this is exactly how I feel about that. Why would I make work that I think will fail or look terrible? Why waste time on something I'll hate? I know now, when I'm not in one of these anxious moments that it can be helpful to look back on and mistakes will be made, yet when i'm in that state of mind that tells me nothing is worth it, very little can persuade me it will help. When every single thing around you seems pointless; relationships, education, material things, etc, why would you be motivated to make a picture? And even if you do force yourself, you don't feel as free.
To combat this, i've been taking my main images when i'm not in that state of mind, but when I am I take a simple self portrait using my instax mini camera, creating a polaroid type image. I will end up with a series of portraits from moments when I felt like the world was pointless. I figured this was better than nothing.
- "The rise in drug addiction and suicide among the young people is evidence that they, too, are gazing into a futureless world" (page 15)
I have no suicide attempts, and I don't even drink let alone do drugs, but the comment about looking into a futureless world is entirely accurate.
The final source of anxiety is death.
Ellingson simply describes that this is the fear of dying and how hard it is to come to terms with. I think perhaps I am scared of death slightly more than the average person but not to a crazy amount without reason. I do, however, have health anxiety. This is what my doctor suggested I get treatment for. I am always terrified of having something wrong with me, I wouldn't necessarily say a hypochondriac but if I feel a pain I get incredibly worried about it and this sparks an anxiety attack which has similar symptoms to a heart attack, making it even worse and causing me to be a spiralling mess. So perhaps this health anxiety stems from having a fear of death.
Overall, Ellingson's chapter has really helped me understand the basis of anxiety, something that I only really knew as something that would make me feel crap, scared and nervous all the time which would take over parts of my life.
Having more of an insight may not even be progressive towards my work but it certainly helps understand why i'm making the work that I am.
After reading this, I did a quick google search as to why great artists come from a place of pain, and I found this;
"Rumination, if you’ve been paying attention, is one of the major keys of thinking like a creative genius. To be creative is to make sense of and connect the small details of everything we experience, the good and the bad.
Creatives naturally tend to think more, and think about their very thoughts too.
When we ruminate, however, our brains are naturally drawn to things that are vital to our health. Pain and suffering are such immense experiences, even if they’re short-lived, that those who ruminate tend to loop through those painful experiences more often than those who don’t (are you starting to see the evolutionary link yet?).
For example: someone who doesn’t take the time to think about their thoughts regularly may have a stressful day at work or school, but when they come home from it all it’s easier to forget than not.
On the other hand, there are certain types of thinkers who naturally are drawn to play the stressful events over and over again, thinking about what happened, what they could have (or should have) done differently, how the details of what occurred will affect the rest of their lives, and so on. Creative thinkers tend to fall into the latter group, re-playing events over and over again to better understand them.
A result of focusing on these thoughts then, according to Yale psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, is immense depression or a feeling of hopelessness.
Aha! Now we’re onto something.
This rumination to depression process is evident not only in creatives, of course, but everyone. If the average (not powerfully creative) person finds themselves in a moment of deep reflection – particularly about a stressful event – they too are likely to encounter a state of depression, though it may not last as long as someone who continues to ruminate on the event(s).
For creatives, that depressive state happens to be longer-lasting and more intense, due to their innate desire to simply keep thinking on it." - Creative Something (link below)
A rather long quote, I know, but I found it incredibly insightful and helped me understand why creatives seem to be affected by mental health issues so much.
Overthinking is indeed a huge trait of mine and so this makes sense as to why these issues affect me.
I get my creativity from my mum, who is on treatment for anxiety also. What is being said seems to fit perfectly.
I think this link is something i'd like to explore further.
https://creativesomething.net/post/55508909341/the-link-between-depression-and-creativity-and
Landgarten, H.B. and Lubbers, D. (1991) Adult art psychotherapy; issues and applications. New York: Brunner Mazel.
I began reading 'Adult Art Psychotherapy: Issues and Applications', a book written by a combination of authors/therapists with experience with using art as therapy for their own area of knowledge. As most of the book wasn't relevant to me upon a quick scan, I sunk into the first chapter that informed about art therapy and anxieties, written by Miriam Ellingson.
I think this blog post will not only help my understanding of anxiety as a whole but my understanding of myself. Writing everything out, from quotes, to science, to notes and thoughts as I think them may help me build a bigger picture. It may not even help my work, but it remains relevant because the project is about raw emotion and this is a completely unfiltered diary of where I am at, as of 14th March 2019.
I haven't been formally diagnosed with anxiety yet, while doctors have suggested I go back to see them to discuss it and put me on something to help it, I haven't been back. Quite honestly, i'm not sure why. It's not like I don't think it will work, I believe strongly in science and medicine. It's not that i'm ashamed because i'm open about it more than ever before. I feel that a part of it is because it's become a part of me. It's weird to think that something that makes me so uncomfortable also brings me comfort because it helps gives me an identity I otherwise would be nothing without. If somebody were to ask me to describe myself the first thing i'd day is 'a nervous wreck, a mess, a wuss'. If that was taken away, what would I be then? Just another student, and beyond that I genuinely cannot think of another word to describe myself. Perhaps i'd just move from describing myself as 'anxious' to 'depressed'.
Nevertheless, I wanted more understanding of this and how it affects my work. In the first chapter of the book, named 'A Philosophy for Clinical Art Therapy' we begin to delve into some sort of understanding.
This blog post will be a mixture of quotes (written in green) alongside my notes, my thoughts as I write about them, the things I have learned and the significance the comment may have to me or my work, in order to keep things simple and precise.
Ellingson begins with the rather cheerful note that "the secret cause of all suffering.. is mortality itself" This is exactly what I didn't want to read because it more or less confirms i'm going to be miserable forever.
- Ontological insecurity = "suffering where the individual lacks a sense of self, of the permanency of things or the substantiality of others and natural process" (page 4)
I would classify myself under this. I often feel as if there's no point and if things are important now, really in the big picture it's nothing. Realistically, why does it matter if I fail my degree? It doesn't. Yet at the very same time I'm terrified of failing. But I often imagine the world in my mind, zoom out to see it floating in space and think - i'm not even there. You can't see me or anything i've done. We're all just forced to follow the rules of society in our given country and be done with it. We can make the world temporarily better but it will just get worse anyway.
I understand I sound really really negative, but genuinely, what is the point? If we make others' lives better then they'll just die and forget it anyway. Yet at the same time I always make an effort to smile at strangers in case they're having a bad day, thank the cashiers in shops, buy surprise presents for those I love. My head feels incredibly torn.
- "people see more sharply and more accurately when emotions are engaged" (page 5)
This makes sense in using art to cure a mental disorder, because it can help somebody understand where your head is at. But does this mean without anxiety any future projects would be less powerful? Surely to see sharply and accurately is a good thing to have because you have a clear mindset and view of how you want future work, giving you something to aim towards. But then when I feel these strong emotions I feel anything but sharp and accurate. I feel confused, a bit here there and everywhere and I have no idea where i'm heading. It's like a journey to nowhere, going in circles until something pulls me back out of the loop. With Ellingson's description I'd imagine i'd feel like I had a certain path to walk down, but I don't. Instead i'm blindfolded, and forced to be extra weary for any dangers that may be hiding out of sight.
- "artwork in a supportive environment can evoke whole body thinking, it can activate consciousness between polarities of individual and world, subject and object, mind and body" (page 6)
While initially hard to understand, this, I think, is exactly what I am aiming for in my current work. A free and relaxed environment, with just one other person to assist me that I love and trust, and just let my mind and my thoughts move my body as to whatever it wants. But perhaps then there are some problems. I place myself in the woods, and I'm scared of the woods, the unknown perhaps, and always the dark and who could linger in the shadows. But then the meaning and connotations behind the woods are significant to the imagery. Maybe when I get in the dress and become an unknown character, a new version of myself, those fears begin to dissipate to a level that I can allow these polarities to connect. I find myself most on edge the darker it gets within the shoots, and my most successful images have been when it's not so dark. Perhaps this is the key to finding a balance. Other than this, I feel that my university environment is entirely supportive of this project. I have the guidance and help I need and to simply be told to 'go mad' and be trusted with that is rather freeing in itself.
- "The art process is a struggle with objective reality, the participation in life, the identification and involvement with thoughts, feelings and actions, and the creation of ourselves as individuals" (page 6)
I don't really think there's much to comment on this but when I read it I felt the understanding of it, rather than just knowing the definitions of the words. This resonated with exactly what I am doing, and perhaps what all of us as artists are doing. We're trying to understand the world through imagery, simply. Ourselves, other people, society, things, science. We're all just continuing our education and sometimes teaching others in an unspoken form. I remember in year 9 we had to write down our life goals, big or small. A major part of mine was 'To stay in education as long as possible', and I think photography allows education to be a huge part of your life throughout. But it is still a struggle and finding a balance of all of these things is maybe my biggest downfall. I feel like i'm overflowing, and perhaps my images being as simple as they are don't reflect this, but my mind isn't as clear as Ellingson says it should be and aspects of this work is flying around everywhere.
-"The art product and verbal associations to it are the reflection, the stepping back, the psychic distancing, and bracketing of experience, as well as the disengagement of the empirical ego of the experience of the transcendental consciousness that runs through us" (page 6)
I read this as a continuation from the previous quote, suggesting there's two parts to creating art; the process and the product. This quote reflects on what is made and how we view it and what it shows, how the product shows facts in the process and how our mental state is even if the artist isn't aware.
- "When we are anxious, we experience the truth about
ourselves and the world. But when we are anxious about being anxious, then we
are sick and needlessly limit our potential for enjoying living and
appreciating reality" (page 6)
This is a learning process for
me to help me understand my anxieties. Learning that when we're anxious it's
because we see the reality, is a pretty scary thing to read. Are we all living
in a false world? When i'm anxious I turn into a very pessimistic person; I
don't see the world in a beautiful way. Does that mean that the world is truly
ugly and we try to see the good in it?
The comment about getting anxious over being anxious kind of hits me. I never contemplated that this could be something that I do, but I certainly feel limited to happiness due to my anxiety. I don't do things because I know I'll cry with anxiety before I could ever actually do the thing. So perhaps I am anxious over being anxious and that limits me as a person from flourishing. I hope it's possible to flourish with anxiety.
The project I am working on for this module actually really links in with this, there's images of me trapped in my own dress (see below) that could represent me, an anxious person, being trapped by my own anxiety.
The comment about getting anxious over being anxious kind of hits me. I never contemplated that this could be something that I do, but I certainly feel limited to happiness due to my anxiety. I don't do things because I know I'll cry with anxiety before I could ever actually do the thing. So perhaps I am anxious over being anxious and that limits me as a person from flourishing. I hope it's possible to flourish with anxiety.
The project I am working on for this module actually really links in with this, there's images of me trapped in my own dress (see below) that could represent me, an anxious person, being trapped by my own anxiety.
The author then talks about the six types of anxiety. Obviously there's more than six things people get anxious about but they can usually fit into one of these six categories.
The first is 'Anxiety of freedom'. This is often represented in art by using just one or two colours, only using a small part of the frame and limiting texture. Those with freedom anxiety will limit themselves and not use their freedom in their art. Looking at my work, perhaps this is part of my own anxiety. I like to stick to certain colours, not over complicate things and have open space, particularly in this work. I tried some more close ups but I don't think they worked as well and the ones with my space feel more comfortable to me.
As you can see, over a few completely different shoots, I still go for having open space and using only a few colours. I believe there's quite a lot of texture in these images, however that is mostly uncontrollable in this environment. As the book mostly talks about drawing or painting, in which you'd have to go into the effort to add texture, this may be irrelevant as my texture was already there for me.
I don't wish to shoehorn myself into a self-diagnosis, however. Looking at past images from previous projects, as seen below, having simple, matching colours is something I am just drawn to visually. This may or may not be related to mental health at all. The mostly monochrome look seems to appear in the majority of my work, even over a broad stretch of subjects. However I have also been anxious for a very long time. I refuse to self diagnose, and so I will take this as a simple possibility.
- "Anxiety is provoked when we realise that we create, choose, mold, and invent ourselves out of nothingness. This realisation of our freedom is a continuous battle with anxiety; but if freedom is too constricted, the creator will die and the constitutor's potential will go unrealised" (page 8)
I wouldn't necessarily use this to describe my own anxiety, because while I am aware that everybody is a nobody and nothing really matters, I think it's more depressing to me than anxiety inducing. I don't worry about it, or panic about it, but I just get sad and hopeless about it. It's interesting to know, though, because it helps me understand how others see the world and how their brain works. Perhaps, however, my fear of the future would slot in here. I often feel anxious about not ever being successful and leading no pleasant life because i'm simply not good enough to become successful in art. This limits me with what I do; for example when we had one to one sessions talking about our work with Steve Macleod, director of Metro imagery, I had a strong sense of anxiety to the point of almost tears because I knew my work wasn't good enough to show him yet and I felt that I was ruining my future by showing him work that wasn't good, as that's how he'd remember me.
- "Choosing is freedom in action" (page 8)
It's true I hate decisions and would always prefer to just go along with plans, but I wouldn't say I get anxiety over choosing.
I do really like this quote, though, because it shows something so simple can exercise our right of freedom that so many people don't have the privileged of. I feel we should be grateful for simply the ability to choose.
Small decisions i'm fine with, but larger ones that could reflect on to me by others (for example, what work to show) is much harder because I, like everybody else, want to present myself in the best light. I don't feel that's unique to those with freedom anxiety however.
Another source of anxiety is individuality.
- "In art therapy, the suppression of individuality can be seen through stereotypes imagery which comes partly from the fear of external disapproval in the use of one's own special images" (page 9)
I feel like I do this a bit; using stereotypical poses and locations. I think they do work within my project and the connotations of all of these things are relevant, but I have been told to 'go mad' and I think that means break from stereotypes and do whatever comes to mind. I have been trying to do this but there's always that feeling that you should be doing this or should be doing that, even when it makes sense not to.
I don't think I fall right into this category however, so I won't dwell on it.
The next source of anxiety is the fear of evil. "the recognition of redeemable evil in the world. The reality of evil in our modern world is an overwhelming fact"
Again, this is something that can cause me anxiety doesn't really take over my life. I refuse to get a job working nights in town because a lot of murder and rape has been happening. Of course it makes me anxious, but I think that's only natural in that situation. However, other than being weary of people and making sure I am safe, the evil in the world again makes me more depressed than anxious.
As with the fear of freedom, this anxiety is interesting to learn about.
- "When clients have no focus, lack intensity, are bored, or are inattentive, they may be experiencing purposelessness and be vulnerable to evil" (page 14)
I often experience purposelessness and I must agree that in these states the weight of the world and the evil within it get to me far more, however I think that's true for most people. I certainly wouldn't consider myself as having anxiety of evilness, as it doesn't give me the anxious feeling.
I can imagine that this type of anxiety is incredibly hard to live with because you'd see the evil in things that are prominently good. I am admittedly pessimistic but the things i'm negative about don't give me anxiety. If this was the case I'd find it incredibly hard to function.
Reading all of this makes me feel a bit closer to everybody in the world. It helps me understand the thoughts and feelings of others, and transfer my experiences to try and put myself in their shoes, and suddenly we're not all as lonely as we fool ourselves to think we are.
Another reason for anxiety is 'Birth'. This touches upon rebirth too, reinventing yourself as a person.
The author uses examples of people will schizophrenia working on themselves to repress their 'negative' traits, and his rebirth from that to somebody new.
None of what the author has said resonates with me and so I won't dwell on this too much.
The next cause is nihilism.
- "Life is useless; there is no truth; and faith in traditional values and morals (including God) is unfounded" (page 14)
This, I believe, is exactly where I sit. This is spot on to how I think most of the time and I genuinely think so much about what it means to be alive that it tires me out. I had no idea there was a specific type of anxiety for this but I seem to fit every single thing that is described.
- "they will not draw, saying "what's the use?" or if they do they laugh and depreciate what they draw" (page 15)
This rings very true with me as well. I've been told to 'just force yourself' to do work when I'm in one of these moods, and this is exactly how I feel about that. Why would I make work that I think will fail or look terrible? Why waste time on something I'll hate? I know now, when I'm not in one of these anxious moments that it can be helpful to look back on and mistakes will be made, yet when i'm in that state of mind that tells me nothing is worth it, very little can persuade me it will help. When every single thing around you seems pointless; relationships, education, material things, etc, why would you be motivated to make a picture? And even if you do force yourself, you don't feel as free.
To combat this, i've been taking my main images when i'm not in that state of mind, but when I am I take a simple self portrait using my instax mini camera, creating a polaroid type image. I will end up with a series of portraits from moments when I felt like the world was pointless. I figured this was better than nothing.
- "The rise in drug addiction and suicide among the young people is evidence that they, too, are gazing into a futureless world" (page 15)
I have no suicide attempts, and I don't even drink let alone do drugs, but the comment about looking into a futureless world is entirely accurate.
The final source of anxiety is death.
Ellingson simply describes that this is the fear of dying and how hard it is to come to terms with. I think perhaps I am scared of death slightly more than the average person but not to a crazy amount without reason. I do, however, have health anxiety. This is what my doctor suggested I get treatment for. I am always terrified of having something wrong with me, I wouldn't necessarily say a hypochondriac but if I feel a pain I get incredibly worried about it and this sparks an anxiety attack which has similar symptoms to a heart attack, making it even worse and causing me to be a spiralling mess. So perhaps this health anxiety stems from having a fear of death.
Overall, Ellingson's chapter has really helped me understand the basis of anxiety, something that I only really knew as something that would make me feel crap, scared and nervous all the time which would take over parts of my life.
Having more of an insight may not even be progressive towards my work but it certainly helps understand why i'm making the work that I am.
After reading this, I did a quick google search as to why great artists come from a place of pain, and I found this;
"Rumination, if you’ve been paying attention, is one of the major keys of thinking like a creative genius. To be creative is to make sense of and connect the small details of everything we experience, the good and the bad.
Creatives naturally tend to think more, and think about their very thoughts too.
When we ruminate, however, our brains are naturally drawn to things that are vital to our health. Pain and suffering are such immense experiences, even if they’re short-lived, that those who ruminate tend to loop through those painful experiences more often than those who don’t (are you starting to see the evolutionary link yet?).
For example: someone who doesn’t take the time to think about their thoughts regularly may have a stressful day at work or school, but when they come home from it all it’s easier to forget than not.
On the other hand, there are certain types of thinkers who naturally are drawn to play the stressful events over and over again, thinking about what happened, what they could have (or should have) done differently, how the details of what occurred will affect the rest of their lives, and so on. Creative thinkers tend to fall into the latter group, re-playing events over and over again to better understand them.
A result of focusing on these thoughts then, according to Yale psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, is immense depression or a feeling of hopelessness.
Aha! Now we’re onto something.
This rumination to depression process is evident not only in creatives, of course, but everyone. If the average (not powerfully creative) person finds themselves in a moment of deep reflection – particularly about a stressful event – they too are likely to encounter a state of depression, though it may not last as long as someone who continues to ruminate on the event(s).
For creatives, that depressive state happens to be longer-lasting and more intense, due to their innate desire to simply keep thinking on it." - Creative Something (link below)
A rather long quote, I know, but I found it incredibly insightful and helped me understand why creatives seem to be affected by mental health issues so much.
Overthinking is indeed a huge trait of mine and so this makes sense as to why these issues affect me.
I get my creativity from my mum, who is on treatment for anxiety also. What is being said seems to fit perfectly.
I think this link is something i'd like to explore further.
https://creativesomething.net/post/55508909341/the-link-between-depression-and-creativity-and
Landgarten, H.B. and Lubbers, D. (1991) Adult art psychotherapy; issues and applications. New York: Brunner Mazel.
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